We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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