I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
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