Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
did i walk over a car last night?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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