I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
