Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
