I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
