Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In other news, I just burned my penis
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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