I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
