Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
