I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
