Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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