I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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