I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize