Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
