Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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