I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
