I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
