I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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