If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Your cock deserves a montage
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You don't make any sense
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