when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Found the puke drawer
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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