Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
