WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
BRING THE BAGELS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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