I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
