At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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