my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
