So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize