I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
