his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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