she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
