I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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