I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
