do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
