At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
