I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
