I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't deserve a penis
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
