Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm like, not good at living.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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