the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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