she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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