watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
