the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
