Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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