There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
