"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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