a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
