Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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