i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
