Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
