my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
