I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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