well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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