Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize