I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
