I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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