dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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