At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize