Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
