Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You work out of a Hotel?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
