You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
