i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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