Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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