he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
