you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
