once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
