my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
